Inside of a Damaged Mind
by Miss Murderess
Summary: Cloud attempts to deal with the loss of Aeris, his selfdoubt, and a certain persons voice. CloudxAeris CloudxTifa Post Final Fantasy 7, Pre Advent Children.
1. Reasons To Be

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 1: Reasons To Be**

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I see Tifa sleeping quietly in her bed from my spot on the floor beneath the window. The only time I have ever seen her relaxed was when she was fast asleep.

After taking care of the kids and managing the bar all day she deserves the peace. She already has so much to do... She shouldn't have worry about me as well.

I hate hiding the truth from Tifa but I know that it would be too much for her if she knew that I had geostigma. I should be there to help her with the children and to support her. I can't let myself cause her more problems...

I need to get away from this place to spare Tifa the pain I know I will bring her. I have to sort out my thoughts or I will continue this way forever... I am aware of Tifa's love for me, but because I know of her feelings I believe that I must protect her.

It's hard enough knowing that she sees my as I am now. I don't want her to see what I will become; she doesn't deserve that.

Tifa is my best friend; she is someone I never want lose. She stuck by me when I wasn't myself and helped me realize who I was. That's why... I can't let her think that she failed to help me.

Even though I do love Tifa it isn't the same as the love I feel for Aeris. My love for Tifa is more like a deep friendship. A relationship that I cherish so much I feel obligated to always protect it no matter what.

To this point I have managed to conceal the ever fading condition of my body. The damage to my state of mind is unfortunately beginning to show. There is only a matter of time before I can no longer run from the curse that is my life.

The stars are shining in the solemn darkness of the sky.

The slight shimmer of the glowing fragments in the sky distracts me slightly before I move away.

Rising to my feet I slowly step forward turning away from the window. My head feels heavy with doubts still plaguing my mind. My eyes are drawn to the floor as I walk over the wooden boards. My attempts at trying to avoid waking Tifa seem ill-fated as the floor lets out a small creak.

I pause trying not to add to the damage.

Shifting my gaze to Tifa I see her fidgeting with the fabric laying over her. Within moments she is resting silently yet again.

Every step was bringing me closer to the empty bed awaiting me, but with every step I also began to feel a sharp pain that seemed to pierce through my body.

Standing only inches away from my bed now I used what strength I had left to pull myself onto the bed before loosing control of my body. Trying to conceal the pain running through my body I found myself biting down on my lip in an attempt to muffle the cries that escaped my throat.

Forcing my body to turn over took to a great deal of effort and caused my lungs to push the air out of my body. My consciousness began to race with thoughts and images from my past tearing at my sanity.

"Hello, Cloud..." A voice I recognize all to well calling my name as vision of the silver haired demon entered my mind.

The sudden shock sent my body into panic. My breathing heavily labored now was causing a burning pain throughout my chest.

My consciousness is slowly fading and yet the pain continues to grow. My eyes burn as I hold back tears gathering within them.

Without warning I felt a soft hand resting on my forehead.

"...Aeris?" I ask quietly hoping the woman who I so desperately desired was at my side.

"No Cloud... It's me Tifa." Her voice almost stung me. Though her voice was gentle as she spoke; the hopes I held onto seemed to decay in reaction to it.

I silently curse myself knowing that I failed to hide the truth from her. Still shaking I realize the movement of my body as I am drawn closer to Tifa. Every small movement causes my body more agony.

"Don't worry Cloud, the nightmare is over..." She announces; seemingly unaware to the reality of the situation.

The nightmare is far from over; that is one thing I know for sure.

However, being in her arms knowing I could not protest gave me an awkward sense of security. As my heart slows and my breaths shallow I realize that the pain once known all to well by me was soon a faded memory.

As I slowly drift from reality into serene darkness I feel the tears I once held back being released. The warm stream falling down the side of my face is the last feeling before I fade completely; telling me I am no longer strong enough.

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**And so ends the first chapter... Please note it is set up differently than the prologue but this is how the rest of the chapterrs will be. If you have any suggestions that would help my impove I will be more than happy to hear them.**


	2. Only Human

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 2: Only Human**

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My body still aches even thought everything has calmed down and although I have woken up to this same never ending pain for years it still causes me to wince as I become aware of reality once again.

"Tifa! He's waking up!" I hear an excited voice holler from a distance; the voice I recognize to be Marlene's.

Forcing my eyes open slightly I can hear fast paced footsteps closing in from beside me.

My eyes are almost fully open yet my vision is too blurred to make anything out. I stare at the ceiling above me trying to make sense of the blurred shapes but my eyes won't seem to cooperate.

My futile attempts have left me oblivious to the figure standing a short distance from me. I turn my head in an attempt to see my onlooker, but my vision still hesitates to clear.

Though I can't actually see the one staring at me I can tell by a faint sigh that Tifa is there next to me. She takes one step closer and I feel the warmth of her palm on my forehead.

Without warning my body twitches at the contact. With the movement of my body I feel my head clear and my eyes snap into focus.

The unexpected rush of my senses has left me disoriented I look at Tifa's expression as she stares into my eyes only to feel even more confused.

"Tifa?... What's wrong?" Only a barely audible whisper leaves my lips. I clear my throat in an effort to regain my voice.

Tifa seemed to drop at the sound of my voice. She fell to her knees on the ground beside me and rested her head on my shoulder.

Extremely confused now I just want to know what is going on. Before I am able to ask anything I hear Tifa's quiet voice.

"I thought I was going to lose you..." She explained with a trembling voice.

Though her pride would not allow her to cry in front of me her voice tells me that she wants to.

Still unaware of what she is talking about I try my best to comfort her. I place a hand softly on the back of her head.

"What are you talking about?" I ask as I carefully pull away the hair covering her amber eyes.

As she moved to look into my eyes I saw a look of disbelief in hers. She stared for a minute not sure what to say before giving me any clue as to what happened.

"You have been passed out for three days... At first I though that maybe you were just exhausted from working so much...but then I realized that you had a fever. You had a dangerously high temperature for two days, and you wouldn't wake up..." She explained still staring at me.

Three days... What the hell happened?

Tifa's eyes began to fill with tears as I just stared back in awe.

I knew something like this would happen, and now I was putting Tifa through so much. If only I had left before things got this bad I could have prevented the whole thing from happening.

Even if I couldn't prevent the geostigma from affecting me I could have at least avoided hurting Tifa so much.

I hate seeing her like this.

I hate seeing her so hurt because of me.

I never want to see her cry over me again... It's all my fault for doing this to her.

I could have done something to protect her, but then again I never did accomplish to protect her... Yet, she has always stood beside me, and every time I have let her down... It isn't fair to her.

I force my arms over Tifa's body trying to embrace her only to become fully aware of the extent in which my body has suffered. Using all the strength I could I pulled my arms over her body and held her close to myself.

"I'm sorry Tifa... It's all my fault." I confess in hopes that her pain will be eased but I know that some things aren't forgotten so simply.

In mind my I beg for forgiveness; scolding myself for allowing this. I can't help but hate myself for this weakness.

"Just promise me one thing Cloud... Please, just take sometime to rest and get better. You've been pushing yourself too much lately... Your only human, you can't keep it up forever."

Am I really human? I don't remember...

As she left my grasp she aligned her eyes with mine. The look in her eyes show how desperate she is.

I can't help but agree with her terms, yet I know I need to find a way out soon.

I can't let this happen again.

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**Just wanted to thank all of the people that read this story and go out of their way to help me make it better. Just a reminder that all comments and criticism is greatly appreciated.**


	3. Past Mistakes

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 3: Past Mistakes**

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I was banned from leaving my room for the next few days.

I am supposed to be in bed but I can't help wandering around to try and find something to preoccupy myself with. I hate being stuck without anything to do.

I need to keep my mind busy and away from the dangerous thoughts regarding my past.

Pacing the room now I try to avoid thinking too deeply but I'm finding it a bit difficult to make myself forget things I shouldn't question.

I can't help being drawn into my thoughts.

No matter how hard I try to forget; my past will never leave me. One person keeps coming up in my mind with everything I think about... Aeris.

I can't stop thinking about her. It's been almost a year since I lost her...

Since then her voice has faded from my memory. The voice I once cherished beyond anything else in this world is gone forever. Only now do I realize how much I desire to hear it again.

Knowing she was beside me gave me confidence and strength.

When I was with her I felt as though I was able to accomplish anything. She always helped me through things and led me when I was lost. When I fell down she was there to pick me up. She showed me how to have fun and be happy.

With her guidance I could allow myself to open up to the world and let go of the barrier that served to keep me at a distance from others.

When she was taken from this world the strength she had given left with her. The confidence I once felt was stolen from me when she departed and I was left in this world to rot.

Without her alongside me I began to realized how lost I truly was - How lost I had been for so many years. When she was there my false reality stayed intact, but when she left my world slowly began to break.

Since her death I have never felt the strength I once had. Without Aeris holding me up against the world I can't stand alone. Without her voice to lead me through the darkness I have lost my way.

I have no power, no will to move forward or make something of myself. Without Aeris' help... I am nothing.

All I have become now is pathetic and weak... I couldn't protect Aeris or Tifa and I couldn't even destroy Sephiroth on my own. Do I have any right to live if I have no purpose in life?

I was a hero who never actually existed; I only ever played the part in my head. As a bodyguard I failed miserably to protect the ones I love. Even as a puppet... My master no longer wants me.

In this life I am worthless. I have no right to existence even though I am not entirely sure that this world is real. How can I say for sure that this isn't Jenova's handy work? That I am truly a human in this world? How can I know for sure that I even do exist? How can I...

"Cloud?" Tifa's voice interrupts my thoughts.

Somehow I had made my way onto the floor and was leaning against the wall across from where Tifa stood.

I lifted my eyes from the ground to see Tifa walking almost cautiously towards me. She dropped down beside me and starred directly into my eyes.

The tension I felt knowing she was starring right at me caused me to look away from her. We both sat silently for a moment. As the tension grew between us it was soon cut away with the words Tifa spoke.

"I'm sorry Cloud... I hate doing this to you but... You need to get better. And I know that if I leave you alone... You will only get worse."

Although I know she is right it still hurts to hear he say things like that. I can't really blame her for having so little faith in me. I don't really have much faith in myself after all...

"It's okay..." I admit even though I hate being stuck here.

We both know how much I hate this but for Tifa to feel even slightly better I would tell her otherwise.

Looking back to Tifa I noticed a small piece of paper folded in her hands. She seems to be more distracted with her own thoughts than the conversation she started.

"Tifa?" I ask trying to pull her out of thought.

With a slight jolt her gaze turns back to me. Her soft amber eyes were staring straight in mine with a indication of something I couldn't quite make sense of. I see a small hint of color becoming apparent on her pale skin. She turns away from me but I can see a small grin playing on her lips even thought she tries to hide it.

After the moment subsided she looked back at me and handed the paper to me. Although confused I reach out and take the small item from her.

"It's from Marlene..." she explained as she rose to her feet.

I watch her as she begins to make her way out of the room. Before making it half way out she stops to turn and look at me. I see her smile faintly before she says anything.

"She's worried about you Cloud... We all are." With the last word spoken she turned away and continued out the door.

Is there something she isn't telling me?

I was only sick yet they make it seem like they may never see me again.

I thought she wasn't going to hide things from me anymore... Could I really trust her to be honest after the last time?

I'm so confused... I feel like I'm about to die and they're saying one last good bye before I vanish forever.

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**And there is chapter three. Thanks to all that read this and even more thanks to all those who try to help me make this story better. I would like to hear more of what everyone thinks of this and I welcome all comments and criticism.**


	4. Leave It To The Children

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 4: Leave It To The Children**

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A family...

They look so perfect... even as plainly drawn stick people. The innocent naive perspective of a child is all that is portrayed is this picture.

She doesn't see the doubt or distance between Tifa and me. Or if she does see it she doesn't acknowledge it.

Even though she sees us as family she still looks at me like I'm a monster.

How can she act so differently from her obvious feelings?

She hides behind Tifa when I'm in the room and avoids even talking to me.

She always seems worried when I'm around like I'm going to hurt her or something. I try to gain her trust but seem to fail every time.

Towards any other person she has blind faith but to me she only shows distrust.

The sound of footsteps breaks through my thoughts. I look over and see Marlene's head poking through the doorway staring warily at me.

"Marlene?" She disappears at the sounds of my voice but the absence of footsteps running down the hall tells me she is still there.

"It's okay. You don't have to hide from me." I offer hoping the child can trust me.

After a moment she pokes her head back through the door way.

I hold my hand out to her in an effort to coax her out of hiding.

She cautiously leaves the doorway and stops a few feet in front of me.

As Marlene sits on the wooden floor her gaze is fixed on me, watching my every movement.

After a few moments of her inspection Marlene smiles and drops her stare.

"Hi Cloud" She says in a joyful yet shy tone.

"Is something wrong Marlene?" The tension between us is not something that can be ignored. She shakes her with a blatant uncertainty.

"Then what have I done that makes you not like me?" She shifts nervously and begins playing with a small piece of her clothing.

"It's not that I don't like you Cloud. But, sometimes you can be really scary." She says with a sad tone.

What have I done that would scare her?

Unless something happened that I don't remember, or something that someone isn't telling me. I can't think of anything I could have done to scare her.

"What have I done to scare you?" I asked softly trying to get an answer.

"You yell at things a lot..."

When do I yell at anything? I rarely speak loudly at all and never raise my voice...

"...When your sleeping"

Damn it... This isn't going to end well.

"You also talk to your mother a lot..."

What is she talking about, Mother?

Oh...

I can feel myself building up with rage at the answer. Knowing full well who the so called mother is and the fact that Tifa hid this from me the whole time...

I knew I couldn't trust Tifa.

"And... what scares me the most is when you talk about how you want to kill someone."

"Marlene... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Please forgive me." I beg for forgiveness from this child that I have unintentionally hurt hoping to make it better.

"It's okay... I'm just glad that you're Cloud again." She admits calmly before rising to her feet.

"What do you mean... That I'm me again?" I ask confused over her last comment.

"It's not you who says those things... I can tell by your eyes that it's not you. When you act weird your eyes change... But now you're back so everything's okay" Were her last words before leaving the room...

Leave it to a child to say what everyone's been hiding from me...

I hit the floor with my fist.

How could this happen?

I killed Sephiroth and Jenova so why are they still haunting me? Why can't they just leave me alone?

And now because of them I have hurt Marlene, she should never have to hear those things...

I can't stop hurting them can I?

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**Sorry for the long wait I have been somewhat busy... Plus I redid this chapter like four times...Originally it was about how much Cloud hated children but that isn't very much like him so I had to change it. Anyway hope you guys like it and I am open to any comments or criticism that you can offer.**


	5. Lost Memories

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 5: Lost Memories**

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Silence...

Even the quiet hums of the machine elude me. A silence that even quieted the ever present ringing.

The green liquid surrounding me seemed to filter the world with its sickening hue.

My body is attached to tubes that run from me to the outside of my confinement... What ever is being pumped into me is causing my body to burn, as though my blood was on fire.

The pain coursing through me causes my body to shake in an almost convulsive manner. The trembling only gets worse as I try to speak and the green liquid begins to fill my lungs.

Suffocating is the only thing I feel, the lack of air causes my system to slow down to a level where I can feel my consciousness slipping.

I franticly search for something... anything that could help me, but the only thing I find through blurred vision is the person staring at me from his place in a glass like prison beside me.

I try to reach to him, to beg of him... _Please save me..._ But before I reached the wall of my own confinement or found the words to speak the darkness closed in on me and sent the pain away.

The sound of glass breaking wakes me to a barely conscious state, where I cannot move or speak. The world seems distant to my hearing and pain only lingers numbly.

Although my senses have been dulled I still manage to feel the full force of the floor as the liquid around seems to disappear.

Gasping for breath I fail to make my lungs listen due to the over flowing green liquid that has filled them.Choking, I feel the lack of oxygen setting in yet again as I cough up small amounts of liquid.

My eyes begin to burn as tears form behind closed eyes and I try to reach up to my drowned throat but the only movements I seem to make are slight twitches.

The darkness begins to set in and I feel my mind slowly fading. My descent into darkness became slow.

Pounding on my body was sending my consciousness back to reality while the liquid was suddenly being forced out of my lungs. As the liquid poured out of my body something different invaded it, pain; the burning I had become all too familiar with in my last few bouts with this reality.

Trembling, my body was convulsing with each cough and the pain intensified. Tears began to threaten me with their burning demeanor before making themselves evident.

"Cloud... Don't cry. I'm here now..." The soothing voice of a forgotten friend invaded my mind. He didn't want me to cry but my body refused to listen.

As he lifted me from my place on the cold ground my tears became rampant; not because of fear or pain but of relief. He was holding me, trying to calm the out of control shuddering of my body. It was the first I could remember that I felt so safe.

"Cloud, it's me Zack. Do you remember Cloud?" _Zack... how come I don't remember... who you are?_

As my body slowly began to calm I found myself being to drawn into the darkness that allowed me freedom from pain and welcomed the dark numbness that waited for me.

Screaming...

Of pain, of loss, and of confusion; a tortured voice, and a broken mind. These were the only things that made my world when I finally opened my eyes to the world around me.

My body seemed to be moving of its own accord on pure adrenalin, a body so heavy with a mind so weak was driven only by such a thing.

The body that lies in front of me, torn, tattered, and destroyed set in a pool of dark red beneath his pale body.

Moving strands of soft black hair reveals a pair of gentle violet eyes. Eyes that seem to peer deep into my mind although they are no longer able to see.

_Who are you?_ _Why can't I stop screaming? Why does losing you hurt me so much?_... I can't remember...

In the midst of the world around me a familiar voice finds its way into my mind forcing the world in front of me to fade.

"Cloud?" A frantic voices calls out from the darkness that has begun to develop.

"Cloud, answer me!" ... With those last words everything went black.

Suddenly awake, my furious breaths began to burn my lungs and throat.

There was a small crashing noise from beside me before hurried footsteps closed in on me. I open my eyes to find the world around me blurred before adjusting to the light.

Standing beside me now, with her long brunette hair and soft amber eyes; who is she? She reaches out towards me, I began to panic and I quickly push myself away.

"Cloud? Are you okay? It's me Tifa." She has a look of fear in her eyes, of concern, but for what is she concerned?

_Tifa... who is she?... Why does her name sound so familiar?_

"Tifa?" I question through my labored breaths.

"Yes Cloud it's me, Tifa?" She speaks with tone full of relief and moves to embrace my trembling form, and we sat in embrace until my panicked mind was calm.

"Do you want to tell me what you saw?" She asks backing away from me a step.

"What I saw?"

"What your nightmare was about." She says in an almost forceful tone. _Why does she want to know about my dream?_

"It was... Nothing." I falsely admitted. I don't know her, or if I can trust her. She seems so familiar but I can't remember.

"Cloud, don't lie to me and don't run from this. It was obvious you were having a nightmare; you were screaming bloody murder... And why would you lock the door? Do want me kept away that badly?" She began questioning me for things I didn't have the answer to.

"I... I mean... I don't... think I... know." I confessed confused at the situation. I don't remember every locking the door; I don't even remember ever being here, or why I'm on the floor.

Things were slipping from my mind. Tifa... I recognize the name, but I can't figure out who she is. I have a feeling she is important to me but I can't be sure.

What did she call me... Cloud? Why doesn't it sound right? The name sounds familiar but it doesn't seem to match.

_Why... Why can't I remember? Who am I? Why can't I find my memories?_

"Cloud?" She questions but I fail to hear her speaking.

My head begins to throb and I move my hands to hold my head feeling like I can no longer support it without them. My mind begins to spin with questions, I haven no answers... I have no memories... I feel strange... lost.

Buried in my own thoughts I fail to hear myself speaking... Mumbling incoherently as I sub consciously continue the conversation.

"Who am I?"

The words pass through my lips and I fail to understand what I'm saying until Tifa grabs onto my shoulders forcing me out of thought and pulling me back into reality.

"Cloud, look at me. Look into my eyes." She seems panicked now still clutching onto my shoulders.

I look... confused at her request I look to her eyes only to be greeted with a painful expression. With a quick blink she turns away from me fighting back tears she seems to be hiding from me but I don't understand why.

"What's wrong?" I ask her quietly only to be met with another question.

"It's never going to end is it?" She said quietly although I can still hear the anger in her voice. She remained turned from me and even so I could still she her tighten her fist as she fights back her tears.

"What are you talking about? Did I do something?" I ask confused more so at this entire situation I have found myself in. Even though I don't understand what's going on I can't help hating myself for doing this to her.

She slowly lifts her head and turns to face me.

"No Cloud... This is not your fault. Please... get some rest." She says giving me a soft smile; a smile so destroyed by pain and sadness it seems almost broken.

As she leaves the room she walks right past the shreds that must have been the door with out a second thought.

Alone and confused, I left here only to think, but what value is that when I can't remember?

Even though my body has long since calmed down the barely evident pain I felt began to grow to an almost unbearable state.

I sat there holding myself, trying to still my painful body. Burning, a sensation all too familiar from my dream filled my body and the pain felt overwhelming and seemed to threaten my consciousness.

"It won't be long now, Cloud." I deep voice pierced my mind through the pain sending my senses into panic. This voice I knew, I don't know why.

The one who tormented me with this voice was all too familiar and I knew it was something to fear.

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**I'm sorry this one took so long to put up but it's here now and it's about twice the size of the last chapters so it should make up for it, I hope.**


	6. Truths and Lies

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 6: Truths and Lies**

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All I see is darkness... I am just a shadow - merely a puppet - meant to serve my master without hesitation. So why then, does my loyalty falter?

Is it perhaps that I am not a puppet after all or is it that I am just not worth the use?

Will I ever find the answer...?

Her death play over in my mind, again it shows my failure as she paid the price.

Who's this woman I loved so deeply and why couldn't I protect her?

Whose bright emerald eyes lightened my world, and whose gentle smile warmed my heart...

Why couldn't I save her?

"You love her, no?" A taunting voice rings throughout the world of my dream though the one speaking is not visible.

"I..." I catch myself in my own thoughts before saying too much. Do I love her? Do I know what it is to be in love, or do I simple hold a great amount of affection for the one in front of me?

"You what? What do you feel towards this person? Is it love, lust, friendship maybe, or is it possibly nothing at all?"

With every malicious word he spoke he seemed to tear away at my mind. How am I to know... When I don't remember?

My head hurts and my eyes sting; I can feel tears building up, but why? I look down to realize that in my arms is her fragile, bloodied form.

I am shaking and the world is spinning in front of me.

I can feel myself screaming but I can't hear my own words, I'm lost in a silent despair screaming at the world with an unheard voice.

"Do you know what she thinks of you?" He interrupts my pain but I know he will only further it.

"She hates you, she despises you to your very core, but do you know why she holds you in such disgust? It is because... You killed her, Cloud" I can feel myself breaking further at the thought of his words.

It can't be true; I could never hurt her... Could I?

I frantically look around the area only to find a sword - my sword - covered in blood, but how do I know it belongs to me? How do I know he isn't just playing with my mind?

"You killed her... because I made you, because after all you still are..." His tone was mocking me, an arrogant yet playful tone. His tone though was more taunting like if a beast were to let his prey die slowly laughing at him until the end.

"No... You're wrong" I whispered shaking my head furiously. I didn't do it - I couldn't have - There's no way... Is there?

As the questions began to pour into my mind the darkness began fill my vision and I could feel myself being ripped away.

"A puppet..." Was all I heard before the darkness took me away from the man with the cruel voice that plagued my mind.

I struggled to breathe and my heart was racing. With every breath I felt as thought I was breathing fire and the burning continued all the way through my chest.

"Cloud!" The worried voice shocked me causing my heart to beat a bit faster before being able to slow. I felt the hard floor beneath me the same as before I had dozed off. I wonder how long I have been here...

I can feel someone holding my shoulders shaking me softly and my arms feels heavy as I try to move them away from me. I slowly open my eyes trying to fight of the remaining tiredness that was over powering my body.

Before I could even do anything I felt my face being pulled upwards and the first thing I saw was panicked amber eyes.

"Cloud..." She looked like she was about to cry although she also looked like she had been crying for a while. I felt bad for her but something in my mind was telling me to hate her, and to stay away from her.

"Don't touch me..." With those words I shocked even myself. I didn't mean to sound so malicious or angry.

I know I hurt her by the way she looked at me as she released me and stepped back from where was sitting. She looked at me with fear and sadness, her look was almost pitiful and began to make me angry the longer I looked at her.

"You're not Cloud... Are you?" She asked with sadness in her voice that made me sick.

"Who is this Cloud?" I understand why everyone keeps calling me this name, although maybe it does belong to me. I guess it would help if I could remember who I was...

She sighed heavily at my response but made no move to leave.

Anger started to build in me and I felt as though I could start yelling at her for anything and everything I could think of, but the only thing really on my mind at the moment was the dream that was still playing all too clearly in my head.

I began to fight the thoughts whirling around in my mind and my body started to tremble as I held back the desire to scream everything at the woman in front of me.

I was so lost, so confused about everything that I had done and everything that I was. I felt as though I had lost my place in the world; maybe I'm thinking too much...

I sat there trying to calm myself and I thought I might win.

I thought so, until the evil voice that haunted even my dreams became vivid in my thoughts once again.

"Just remember that you killed her. She hates you and you can't do a thing, but you were never able to do anything were you?" His voice was so malevolent and hated me so much that I knew he just wanted me to suffer.

My head was hurting with a pain so familiar but I couldn't remember what had caused it before.

As the room began to spin I forced my head into my hands and held myself - eyes closed - in darkness. I was pleading with the darkness to take me away from all the pain, from the hatred and sadness my heart held.

I begged for mercy, for freedom, for anything but this, and it never came.

"It's your fault..." His voice was relentless, heartless and cold.

The more I heard it the more I began to fall apart even though I really doubt there's much left to crumble.

"No! You're lying..." I screamed out trying to fight off the insistent voice that muttered its terrible lies in my mind.

"Cloud... Are you okay?" The woman in front of me had been there the entire time watching me, standing there mocking my pain.

What was I supposed to tell her? The voice in my head is attacking me, or that I'm a murderer?

I heard her take I step towards me and I swiftly pushed a hand out keeping her distanced. It had apparently worked too because she didn't move after that.

"Please... Let me help you." She pleaded with me, almost begging as she stood her ground in front of me.

I looked up, away from my darkness and into the soft eyes she set upon me only to see a concern so strong and so genuine.

"Just tell me one thing... Just one thing." I asked putting my hand down as it had become far too heavy to hold up any more.

"What is it?"

"Did I really... kill her?" I choked back tears while speaking, and waiting patiently for an answer.

"What do you..." She seemed taken back by the question and it almost seemed like she didn't want to answer me.

"Oh Cloud, You didn't kill her... Don't you remember? Sephiroth did..." The way she spoke made it seem like she was admitting something, almost like she felt guilty about something.

"You're lying aren't you?" I can't trust anyone; how can I know who's telling the truth when I don't know anyone.

She opened her mouth to speak but was cut off when a little girl walked into the room and told her she couldn't sleep. She held the young girls hand and walked towards the door but turned around before leaving the room.

"Cloud, I am not lying. You have to believe me... Don't worry I'll be right back." With that she left the room and I could hear her footsteps as she walked down the hall with the small child.

Now was my chance, I had to get away. Out of here and away from the lies and I need to find my own answers... It's the only way.

I stood up stumbling to my feet, I still felt tired and my heavy feet seemed to drag me down.

I looked around with the room still spinning slightly and discovered the only way I could get out without being seen was the window which I coincidentally had been sitting under this whole time. I opened the window only thing realizing that in was about six feet to the ground yet I still began to climb through it.

I took a deep breath and jumped from the window sill and hit the ground on my feet but soon fell to my hands and knees.

As I landed, the gravel that lined the ground cut into my flesh leaving quite I few small red patches on my skin.

I stood up and balanced my unsteady body before even trying to take a step. It's a good thing that it's dark out or I'd be caught easily, it's not like I'll be going anywhere fast.

I slowly made my way through the city and looking around I noticed many orphans taking refuge in alley ways.

I saw the various people walking about in the darkness seemingly carefree and I envied them.

Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be like all the normal people; the people who are happy...

As daylight was becoming apparent I came close to my destination, although I wasn't really sure where I was going I felt as though I was almost there.

And then I saw it...

A church that had seen better days; the place had been run down and on the verge of destruction.

The wooden doors creaked heavily as I pushed them open and as I made my way into the sanctuary my attention was drawn to a large area filled with brightly colored flowers.

As I walked down the path lined with destroyed pews and rubble I took notice of the stained glass that allowed colorful light to fall through.

When I reached the flower bed I smelt the heavenly calming scent the flowers seemed to fill the area with and the sunlight shining through the roof felt warm on my skin.

I began to realize how tired I actually had become and took a seat on one of the benches that was still in tact. I stared at the flowers as they glowed in my vision; even when the darkness came to take me away the scent of those flowers remained, and for once...

I felt at peace.

* * *

**... Awkward chapter...**


	7. Of Darkness and Lilies

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 7: Of Darkness and Lilies**

* * *

Lilies, their sweet scent is almost all I know now… The lilies, and the darkness.

The darkness I know all too well; the sinister shadows that haunt my mind from the darkness, and the painful memories that are born from it.

This darkness however, has faded; it has taken my pain and sheltered my mind.

Pleasant almost, this darkness turns to light. A light so bright – so brilliant – but it does not burn.

This is the light I can not run from nor will I shield my eyes; this is _her_ light. The guiding light she has always sent me when I faltered most.

I want to see her… No, more than anything I _need_ to see her.

I know she has told me time and time again that I have been forgiven, but something inside – so deep inside – my mind has begun to grow.

It tells me of sins, my sins, the sins burned into my soul after so many years in damnation. These sins of mine I cherish, as well I despise, and all of which will send me to hell.

These thoughts growing in my mind have lead me to believe, I am not forgiven, I can not forget, and even though you have told me, nothing is alright.

I need to know for sure, I need you to tell me, tell me it's all okay and that I'm not horrible. Tell me that you don't blame me, please tell that my sins won't send me to hell, and I need to know that I will be able to see you again and that you will welcome me with open arms.

As the darkness clears and the light fills my vision your lilies glow, heavenly, their soft radiance brings faint warmth to my soul and seems to chip away at my doubts and fears.

A smile so faint, so hesitant, tugs at my quiet lips and I know you're here – waiting – waiting for my words.

As I step forward I can see you in the distance, your back is turned and you make no move to face me.

My heart is racing along with my mind, desire has engulfed my soul and I know, I know that if I don't push now to find the truth that it will keep me in the dark until the end.

_I'm coming… I want to know… Please, please tell me the truth. Please set me free from my self made prison. _

_You, you are the only one. _

_The only one who can free me from this trap. _

_You alone hold the key, the only key to opening doors that hold me back. You have to be the one, the one who sets me free, I just know it._

So close, I stop with only a small space between us and I breathe in deep.

I'm right behind you only a mere foot away, but why do you refuse to meet me with your calming emerald eyes?

The tension grows and my anxiety takes hold, with every passing second if feel reality fading, so painfully fast, my fingers twitch slightly.

_Why? Why don't you face me? Please…_

"Please…" The words escape my lips along with the breath I had been holding and I strain desperately to hear even the slightest sound.

Silence, was all that greeted me and I knew, I knew something was off.

"Aeris…" I whispered quietly, almost defeated I stood waiting, lingering silently, for an answer, a word, or a movement. Anything to know that you acknowledge my presence or that you know I'm here waiting.

And when silence fell once again upon straining ears my restraint was torn.

I could no longer wait, the fleeting reality would not hold out forever I knew and I took my chance.

I threw my arms around with an almost violently desperate force and I stood there, embracing, holding you so tightly.

I felt then that if I let you go you would fly away, that you would disappear and never return. Desperation was playing heavily in my mind and I held you tighter.

_Please, please don't leave… don't leave me here alone. _

_Alone where my mind will destroy me, where my sanity will be devoured without the light you shield me with._

My eyes begin to sting, something is wrong I know something just isn't right.

This something that pulls so heavily on my fragile mentality begs of me to break.

_Break_ it says, _shatter, decay_ it pleads.

Its words scream out to me, ringing throughout my mind in silence, _do this and you will be free, fight and I will win._

These thoughts take over my mind and pull me closer to their darkness.

My strength is gone and fighting is no longer and option, these words, these feelings, the something has taken from me my will to fight and left me stranded with my arms wrapped around the one who had always protected me from them.

_What have I done? Why are things so different, why won't you help me? _

"Do not touch me."

_That's right… _

"You are filth…"

_You hate me… _

"You have no right…"

_How could I forget…?_

"..To live."

_My foolish hopes had blinded me from the truth, but now, now I remember. I remember the hatred, the revulsion my disgraceful life has caused you._

With each word you spoke the memories came back, pouring, into a vacant mind they took their place and flooded my thoughts with force.

Pain, every kind possible traced my thoughts and body.

Pain worse than years of enduring geostigma, worse than the cold steel of Masamune piercing my flesh.

It burns, more than anything Hojo ever injected into my frail body; and it torments.

It torments me to the point of hysterics, to my very core where my unshielded will lies vulnerable.

This force, so strong, overwhelms my pitiful mind and it takes everything I am and it transforms.

My strength is gone.

My hope, now fear.

My will, now crushed…

You have long since left me, and as I wallow in self-honed despair I look to you. The one whom I loved, the one I would die for.

You are the one who I would live a thousand lifetimes for in a million times greater anguish if I were to know that you would be happy.

You look at me silently; thoughtfully you seem to plan your moves.

_But were your eyes always that colour?_

Smirking, just like… _Him_...

_Yes, they must have been…_

"What can I do?" I plead, looking for what… absolution? Freedom? No, What I seek is not that of which can help me, but the one thing I can do to some how make up for the disgusting faults my existence has brought.

"Please, tell me how… how I can make you happy… Even if only a little I want to know!" Desperate, the panic seeps into my throat and out through my voice, my tone is trembling.

I need the answer; I _must_ find the answer by all costs, no matter what…

"Would you like to know… The answer, Cloud?" Mocking. Mocking my weakness, she had me crawling along this path but chose only to push my head down into the dirt, but, if that was what made her happy then even that was not enough.

"Yes… I need to know. Please, tell me what to do…" Begging, I dropped to my hands and knees and prayed for the answer.

"Cloud… You must…" Vindictively toned words were all that had been offered, but if they offered the answer then I would gladly accept them.

_Please! Please, tell me!_

"Join me…"

My eyes flung open; brightness blinding me, I force a heavy arm over to shield myself from the light.

Panting, my lungs were burning with every breath and I lay still trying to calm my racing heart.

As my eyes adjust and my body calms I wipe cool beads of sweat from my face but my efforts only prove futile as small streams descend and leave my eyes with a burning sensation, an emotion I haven't felt since the day of _her_ death.

The tears overcome my body and I tremble as I try to contain them until I see flowers.

_Her_ flowers, the once sacred lilies, untainted and pure in a world filled with shadows; but now, now, the flowers themselves have succumbed to the darkness.

The lilies whose petals had once been so vibrant and bright now seemed decayed as the petals turned black.

_Thank you…_

_I know what I must do now… I think this time things might be all right…_

There I sat not willing to moved, tears falling freely without regret as I watched the once beautiful flowers turn into an even more wonderful truth…

_Thank you..._

* * *

**...More awkwardness...**


	8. Sacrificing Mind and Body

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunatly neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 8: Sacrificing Mind and Body **

* * *

Silence… This silence however was not the one I had been accustomed to.

The hushed state tended to pull my calmness away. Normally, the silence brought about panic and anxiety in my easily disturbed mind.

However, this was the time – the first time – when the silence was comforting and I felt that my thoughts would not devour me.

Now with the truth in mind I don't have to fear the possibilities, my thoughts are free and I see only one path.

As I walk away from the slowly decaying sanctuary I play her words in my head one more time. The words I longed for and waited so long to here; her words meant to guide me will save me from this pitiful existence.

_Join me…_

Her words were simple and I understand without hesitation; I will not doubt them, but I must follow through in proper respects.

I will follow you to the life stream in the very manner that you departed; you should not bear that fate alone.

The streets of Midgar are cold, lifeless, and the silent hatred flows through the wind as it lightly brushes against my skin.

Walking for so long I could see the sky changing, the brightness of a new world began to approach and all I continued to feel was cold and the haunting chill caused me to shiver as I continued walking.

I know, I'm not welcome here any longer and that remaining in this world will bring conflict. Even if that weren't true I couldn't stay; I can't stay, because I made a promise so long ago.

A promise that I would make things better and make them alright, I would find a way and when I did I would use all my power to make you happy in the end.

I thought you wouldn't want me and that I was dead to you, but now I know from your guiding words what has to happen. With this mind I look up to the sky, Still dark the light only begins to make its appearance and the stars fade away, but I know you're there watching; always waiting for me, and now I'm here and I'm ready.

_Thank you… Thank you for giving me this chance when I deserve nothing. _

The early morning has always brought a slight fog to Midgar but today the sky is clear. I know this sign, the sign of clarity along the path straight ahead. I smile slightly, things are changing; they will be okay now, I know they will.

"Thank you…" I whisper silently, although no ones around I know you can hear me.

I turn the corner and there it is; this place from a distant memory, something different though. The bar I had known from so long ago seemed unfamiliar; so far away I can't seem to tell if it's there or not.

Dreaming, that feeling of detachment and faded senses. The sense of reality seemed almost non existent to me as I try to focus on my memories.

Who is that woman, her amber eyes haunt my mind for the longest time, and I still can't find the answer? Does she live here?

Maybe, or perhaps she doesn't exist, I can't tell for sure.

Things seem to be slipping from memory lately, but it doesn't matter.

All I need is what I have, my path, my plan, and _her_ happiness. With that it won't matter who that woman is, or even who I am anymore; with what I have my life will serve a purpose and that is all I want.

Out of the corner of my eye is where I find what I have been looking for.

A motorcycle, all black, so dark it doesn't seem to fit with the lighter surroundings. It stands out even in the faint light; as I walk over I notice the keys, with a small note:

Cloud,

I don't know what happened to you but  
I know you need your space… please  
come back soon. The kids are worried  
about you… I am too.

Love, Tifa

_Tifa..._

_Who is Tifa?_

The name sounds familiar although I can't remember, but it doesn't matter now.

_No, nothing matters anymore._

I took my place on the bike and cautiously turned the keys even though the effort was for nothing when the engine roared as it came alive. I quickly turned to leave just as a voice broke past the sound of the engine.

I flinched; the voice calling out seemed so distant, so faint that I couldn't be certain that I had actually heard it. The voice, soft yet panicked; a voice so familiar I wanted to turn around and find the answer, but it's too late now. For me, the voice, it's too late even for the woman with the amber eyes and so I continued on my way.

There was one place now, only one place that would welcome me.

The Forgotten City…

I would head there and meet you, that was the plan. I would take my life as yours had been stolen, and I will spend eternity making you happy.

I would use the afterlife to pay for my sins, my mistakes, and my life; that is what I have decided.

I killed you once and I have lived my life waiting for the day where I could save you. Now, I have the chance to make things right and I will use all that I have and everything that I am to make sure my existence isn't wasted.

_Thank you... _

The trees that surround your tomb are glowing softly and allowing just enough light for me to see everything.

The water glistens quietly and fills my world with peace; after many moments I catch myself drifting from reality and move from the hypnotizing spell of the water.

It seems so much like that day, the day I killed you with my own two hands... I can't remember why I hurt you but I don't think I had a reason.

I remember feeling my body moving, acting free of my will. My sword hanging high above your head, and I screamed.

Yelling, I didn't mean to I swear; I didn't mean to hurt you or swing that sword.

It was _Him_; he was the one that made me hurt you, he held my mind in his hands and crushed my consciousness, and I was powerless to stop him.

However, I know that everything is my fault and I cannot blame anyone else. I should have protected you like I had promised and I should have been strong enough to keep him from using me, but I failed.

Just as I've always done; I lost control.

I failed you and now you're dead; you died because of my weakness and I hate myself for it every day.

I know I can't make things up to you and I know I can never bring you back, but that doesn't mean I can't try to make you happy.

For me, that alone would be enough.

I have reached the place, this place where I will fade away and join you in the life-stream. A place where so long ago I laid your body to eternal rest would now be used once again to deliver to the planet a soul; only this time it would be mine.

I search the bike for something; anything other than a sword. I noticed a small compartment on the bike that contained tools.

_Damn…_

After looking thoroughly through everything the container held I had found nothing that would even be helpful for what I needed.

Opening a section of the bike revealed a small collection of neatly kept swords; each one spotless apart from the many scratches each had endured.

Swords so massive they seemed to large too handle, although I knew from experience that this was not the case.

I reached over and pulled out the smallest one I could see; a simple sword compared to the rest, one that I had never really used as it was much smaller than the rest it felt foreign in my hands that had grown accustomed the Buster Sword.

I walked away with my head held high and I knew things were going to change for the best.

I know that I have caused so much pain and I know that I will always continue if I don't stop myself now. If I don't stop myself I know I will lose control and become a puppet once again, Sephiroth cannot be dead, he is too powerful to leave for certain.

I know that if I stay here he will come back and this time I won't be able to stop him.

Too many times I have sat by helpless and lost in my own mind as that monster took over, but now, now I will be the one in control; I will control my life to the point were I will be free from Sephiroth forever.

The edge of my world as I knew it was met with the water that would lead me to the afterlife.

Looking down I could see a reflection peering back at me, a person in dark, loose clothing with powerful blue eyes peering straight into mine. His soft pale face had the look of sorrow while his eyes reflected the pain of hatred. He looked at me quietly, watching my every move, almost judging my entire being.

_Who are you?_

I looked away; I am finally here to fulfill promise and I need to stay focused.

Standing calmly I breathe deeply before lifting the blade. The sword is too long to be held suitably so I take it by the blade with an awkward tranquility.

I close my eyes as my pulse slows and calm sets in, soon, soon I will be in the right place doing much more than I ever could here; and soon I can make _Her_ happy.

In these moments my pain is gone, my mind is clear, and my fate is set. I grip the sword as it pierces my flesh; the blade tears into my abdomen but falters slightly as blood from my hand causes it to slip.

My hands are trembling with pain as the blood steadily seeps from my hand and my body. I grip tighter pulling the sword further into myself and I can hear myself crying out.

The sharp burning of my body is unbearable but I will endure this just for you and this pain I will accept as my own for my failure; because I love you and I failed to protect you.

My greatest sin is being unable to sacrifice myself for your life back then and now I will try to atone for that by sacrificing both mind and body for you.

This pain seems so familiar, so incredible, I feel as though I have known it all my life.

My breaths become shallow and I can feel my strength leaving me just as fast as my blood.

Laughing, blood spills out of my dry lips and I can taste the metallic liquid flooding my mouth.

_Heh… So a monster like me still can be human…_

Weakly I step forward pulling myself into the water waiting for me.

Patiently it waits, for the moment when it can bring me to _Her_, for the moment when it will taste blood once again.

Without hesitation I feed its desire and take my place in the water; with the sword still in place I lay myself down. The cold water only adds to the sting as it floods my wounds and consumes my body.

As I lay waiting to be pulled under I feel myself smiling with bloody lips and I know that this time no tears will fall.

The darkness begins to set in my vision and my pain slowly fades away; I can feel myself floating beneath the water and I still hold my smile.

I drift from the world with a smile for I know that no tears should be shed for a monster such as myself, it is with happiness that I can leave this place knowing that I can finally do something right…

* * *

**Sorry for the long wait... Hope you like it.**


	9. Failure

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunately neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.****  
**

**Chapter 9: Failure**

* * *

"You failed..." Words whispered mockingly, the sweet tone of her voice distorted by malice.

I opened my eyes to a world of dark. Emptiness enclosed me from all sides and I was left alone with only two words floating in my mind.

I sit up effortlessly and my body seems to almost float with the weightlessness I feel. A world of silence and darkness; was this hell, or was it perhaps a dream?

"What do you mean, failed?" I spoke quietly, whispering to the tell-tale voice. I couldn't have failed, I gave my life for _her_ and nothing stopped me. If that's true then why, why does she not show herself, and why does she say I've failed?

Looking around in the depth of the black I spot the only flaw in this endless world. A single lily shines brightly against the darkness and can feel myself being drawn to it. Standing, my body feels numb with each step I take and yet my mind fights off an exhaustion that threatens to pull me away from this world. For a moment my eyes close and the sweet fragrance of the flower fills my body. As I open my tired eyes I am met with the pale turquoise stare of my savior. The woman dressed in pink with tresses of smooth brunette hair tied neatly with bow seemed almost out of place having turquoise eyes.

_Emerald, yeah, that colour would suit her much better..._

So often had her smile been the only thing that brightened my world, and so often it was her smile that I longed to see. I looked at her quietly, pleading silently.

_Please smile, show me it's okay and that I finally did something right._

There was nothing, no smile, no words, only silence remained between us. My nerves were beginning to falter and thoughts flooded my mind.

_Did I fail...? Am I only dreaming? No, it can't be. There's no way I could have survived..._

"But you did..." Her voice, kindness absent, tore any hopes from my mind.

"Aeris..." I start unsure of what to say; I have let her down yet again and I don't have any excuses.

"Aeris... I'm sorry. Please, I pro-" I wanted to beg for another chance, for forgiveness but she stopped me before I could say much.

"How many times will you fail me?" She says spitefully glaring deep into my soul.

"I'm sorry! Please, please give me one more chance. I can make it up to you! I Swear!" I quickly became frantic even as exhaustion begged to pull me down.

"It's too late for you... You had your chance."

"No! Please, don't do this to me. Please..." I begged again hoping for a different answer. I waited for her answer but my body began to collapse from the fatigue that pulled on my mind.

"Please..." I cried before finally succumbing to the pull of my weary state.

The world was blank once again and sudden feeling of loneliness filled my heart as I drifted away in the emptiness of my mind. My eyes stung as they filled with tears and my body burned with the pain my mind felt. Lost, I had no idea where I was or where to go; I was trapped in my mind with no way out. I didn't know if I could go back to that world, the world where I was not welcome. I knew I couldn't go back, not after this, they would ask too many question and understand too little. I had to find a way to make sure I made my way to Aeris, I had to even if she didn't want me anymore I couldn't go back on the promises I made to her.

"...Can you here me?" A faint voice made its way into my head and I felt myself jump slightly.

"Cloud?" Again with this Cloud... _Who is he?_

I open my eyes hesitantly spotting a mixture of blue and red in my vision. It took several moments for my sight to focus before I could tell where one colour ended and the other began. Blue from the trees glowing softly around me and red; a deep crimson sitting beside me. I force my stiff neck to move just enough to get a better look at the one beside me and I was met with powerful crimson eyes. His eyes spoke of pain and torture - of determination and power - of fear and of loss; they showed so much that the rest of him opted to hide under his dark cloak. My throat was on fire as I tried to speak through my dry lips but failed when my voice was barely heard.

"Fuck..." I cursed as realization hit me, I_ did_ fail. Why did he have to stop me, why couldn't he have just left me alone? It's entirely his fault I failed, it's his fault _she's_ mad at me and it's his fault that I'm back in this horrible world full of fools and liars. I want to scream at him until I had no voice left and I wanted to crush his throat until he felt pain similar to the burning in mine.

_A burning caused by screaming for mercy; crying out for forgiveness, and yelling out as loud as possible just begging for an answer. _

I almost had everything, almost, yet when I was on the edge waiting to fall into the pit of everything I desired he came and pulled me back from it all.

"What the hell were you thinking Cloud?" His sudden out burst caught me off guard as he halted my pathetic attempts to speak. He looked at me with a scowl playing on his features before letting out a heavy sigh. Sitting there scolding me; looking down upon me as he judges my actions without understanding them. He looks at me with disgust, this stranger who destroyed everything has no place to judge my actions and if it weren't for the fact that I might be able to get answers from him I would have already tried to leave.

"..Who...is Cloud?" I ask quietly with my raspy voice and the man in red raised an eyebrow. Within moments of silence the sensation forming in my throat can no longer be ignored and I find myself coughing violently as moderate amounts of blood are forced through my throat.

"Are you serious?" He asks in a skeptical tone. I move to push myself into a sitting position only to find that my entire body screamed out in protest and caused me to wince heavily.

"Materia can only heal so much... Don't over do it..." he says quietly after noticing my efforts.

I manage to sit myself up enough to lean my back against the nearby tree for support. The glowing of the surrounding trees reflects calmly on the small pool beside me and I recognize the place from before I had drifted away. My entire body felt as though it was engulfed in flames.

_I guess that's what happens when you fail..._

"Do you really not remember?" he asked just as cynical as before seemly confused he looked at me warily.

"No... I don't..." I admitted quietly contemplating my way out of this place and to get away from this man standing in my way.

"You are Cloud." He said without hesitation as he watched me from his place nearby.

"..Me?" I whispered quietly more so for myself to hear than anyone else, "Who are Aeris and Tifa?" I spoke fast even through my painful throat; I was looking for answers that I had been tired of waiting for.

"Cloud... what's going on?" He continued to stare at me but it was beginning to seem more like he was watching me suspiciously. A feeling began to grow inside my mind; I could not tell him any more, something told me he would just try and get in the way further. I had to keep my promise, and I had to get to Aeris no matter what. Anxiety began to build up inside of me and I felt as though time was running out; I looked around the surrounding area for a way out and I was lucky to find the jet black motorcycle parked not too far away.

I began to rise unsteadily to my feet while trying to avoid the looks I was getting from the man in red. I took a step forward trying not to wince from the pain running rampant throughout my body but soon learnt that my energy should be used to focus on walking.

"Where are you going? You're in no condition to be traveling." The man scolded thinking I had somehow forgotten about my current state.

"I... uh... I'm just going to get my cell phone..." I lied hoping he wouldn't suspect too much and try to stop me. I didn't have answer to him although I knew things would be a lot easier if he didn't try to interfere; in my current state I don't think I could up much of a fight.

"You could have just asked me to get it for you"

"It's okay... Really, I'm fine..." I lied again, I'm not fine nor will I be if I stay here much longer. I have to get out of here; I have to go to the Church... to Aeris. I will never be fine as long as I remain in this world; this world where there is no one and a mind full of lies and broken memories is all I have.

Slowly I make my way over to the dark vehicle trying not to think of the pain, I couldn't let it stop me. I had to see her no matter what and this stupid pain could not stop me; this was my punishment for failing once and I could not let it happen again. Looking over the machine quickly I saw the keys waiting idly in the ignition and as I reached the massive bike I turned the keys without hesitation and jumped swiftly onto the back while flooring the gas pedal. I ignored all pain, focusing only on my goal I sped away from the man in the red cloak. Forward, towards my sanctuary I drove not caring if I was being followed or that my body had begun to bleed from my reckless movements. It didn't matter anymore that pain ignited throughout my body or that the bleeding threatened my consciousness. The only thing that mattered now was that I would make it to Aeris' side and I would not fail again.

Not once after leaving did I look back, I was free now and I had to fulfill my promise before anything else got in my way. As the anxiety began to rule my body and adrenaline replaced my pain I felt the desperation sink in and I knew there was no more time that I could waste.

_Please, wait for me. Give me one more chance... Please...  
_

* * *

_ **Sorry for the shitty chapter...  
**_


	10. Second Chance

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunately neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.****  
**

**Chapter 10: Second Chance**

* * *

The world is spinning around me and I'm not entirely sure that I'm driving straight any more. My eye lids threaten my consciousness with their weight and I struggle to keep my head up. 

"I have to stay awake," I scold myself, "I have to make it to the church..."

_I can't fail again... _

I shake my weary head feeling my hair lightly shift from the force. The sky around me has become dark; although night seems far off the clouds block the sun and warn of a storm soon to come. The cold drops fall, landing softly on my skin as the downpour begins slowly.

My body is trembling, shaking so hard that I can't control myself. My lungs begin to tighten and I can feel myself struggling to breathe. Choking, amounts of warm dark liquid make their way up my throat and the bitter metallic taste fills my mouth before the liquid passes my shivering lips.

"Just a bit further..." I tell myself trying to keep myself awake against the unending fatigue plaguing my body.

_Please, please don't let this be for nothing..._

My vision starts to darken and fade away as tears form in my tired eyes, "I can't stop here... I have to keep going."

I beg myself, mind arguing body and the world continues to fade slowly. In the distance I can see it, my run down sanctuary _her_ sanctuary.

_Just a little further..._

I pull the bike up to the entrance; doors broken and decaying seemed centuries old as they sit forever guarding this holy place. Turning the keys into the off position I slowly attempted my careful descent from the vehicle only to fall completely down once I realized how much strength I had lost.

"Damn..." I curse softly hating my current weak state although with me it always seemed like I was weak in some way or another. My mind was always weak, even when I was little I always had a weak mind and I was always smaller and pathetically weak compared to everyone I knew. I was lucky when my mind was the only weak part of me; it meant that I was getting stronger on the outside and that I could protect the people around me.

_Too bad I was wrong... I never really could protect anyone in the end..._

"I'm almost there..." I said quietly as I pulled myself refusing to succumb to the exhaustion and pain coursing through my body. Unsteadily I stand, my knees shaking slightly as I step forward towards the cherished building.

_I'm almost there..._

As I reach the door I lean myself against its cold wooden frame; I look through lazy eyes into the faintly lit room before me. Lilies, the flowers I had seen so many times in my life and their presence always held a magnificent power over me. Softly, the scent of the flowers seemed to caress my mind and over power my thoughts; they brought tranquility over me that washed away my pain, both physical and mental.

"I'm here..." I whisper quietly almost disbelieving my own words and my lips for a timid smile at the realization that I had in fact made it.

_Now nothing can get in my way... I can finally go to her..._

My smile widened at the thought while exhaustion still tormented my body and I fought with the constantly descending darkness that persistently increased. After how far I had come I would not give up now and this time I would not fail. Carefully I used the ruined pews scattered around me for support as I neared the bed of radiance the flowers had created before me. Smiling still, truly, a smile so genuine and filled with a happiness I had never felt before; a smile so pure unlike the fake smirk I had grown accustomed to over the years. For once I was not ashamed, and for once I actually felt like it was okay to smile.

My happiness is a blissful one, not for myself but for the ones around me. People I had hurt could now heal; free of my wretched existence they could move on and be happy. Everyone could go on free, not constantly waiting to be hurt by me and they would be able to create new lives to forget the past I destroyed for them. Most of all I find myself at peace knowing that you are willing to trade my pitiful life for an eternity trying to make you happy; ever since I met you my one wish was to make you happy and I only hope that it isn't too late for me to try.

"I'm coming to you Aeris... Please give me this chance... Please..." I begged quietly through my on coming hysteria while trying to suppress everything screaming in my mind. My thoughts were becoming too much and even the charm the flowers held over me couldn't contain them.

This church had been so many things to me in the past, it had been a home, a sanctuary where I could always come when my mind threatened to crumble, and it was always a hope. I hope I held ever since you left me that you were still there somewhere, waiting, silently watching me and that one day I would see you again. Now, it will only be one thing to me; the road where this life will end and my eternity will begin, this will be the place that I leave this world forever and it will be the place where I finally get to see your beautiful smile and breath-taking eyes once again.

Ever since you left this world I came here every day and I tried so hard to take care of your flowers and protect your memory but I know that I could never thing right. I'm sorry that I couldn't do as good of a job as you; I never was good at taking care of beautiful things...

So beaten and destroyed, the colourful remains of glass that had once filtered incoming light lacing it with its magnificent shades now lay scattered on the floor no longer spreading their warmth. Shards of the vibrant glass are spread out in various places of the old church although they seem to be concentrated mostly around the flowers; the fragments sit constantly reflecting the light sending small dots of reds and yellows upon the walls around me. Pieces of all shapes and sizes are sitting carelessly in front of me and only one catches my eye.

Beautiful shades of pink and red surround the head of a woman; her delicate chestnut hair flowing out behind her in contrast to the pastel coloured petal floating around her. Sleeping it seems, time stands still around her angelic form and slowly pick up the section caressing the large fragment, I smile;

_Thank you..._

She is waiting for me, I have to go to her, to where I am needed; I can't waste any more time. Tears begin to stain my cheeks as I kneel slowly in the soft bed of lilies and I look up still holding the glass firmly to my body. Through the hole above me I can see the clouds still lingering in the dark sky, threatening to pour down on me. Tears, still streaming contradict the passionate smile resting on my fearless lips.

"I'm coming..."

_Finally, I will get to see your smile... Finally you can be happy..._

I close my eyes as the rain slowly began and the small droplets fell upon my cool skin; this time it was different from the cold unforgiving rain I felt before. As each drop touched my flesh I felt their warmth reaching deep within me and my own tears became unrecognizable as they merged with the tears from the sky. Softly the tears that fell from the sky began to warm me from the deepest depths of my soul to the outer most point of my hair.

Calmly, with steady hands I pulled the shard away from my body and placed its point directly above my heart. My tiny decaying black heart was of no more use to this world or to myself. I laughed at the thought of my insignificant cold heart; if it was so dark and frigid then why did I care so much that it killed me inside? Maybe one day I could have found the answer, however I no longer have that chance; here is where my life ends and where my cold black heart dies.

Without further thought or distraction I pull the jagged blade towards me forcing the sharp edge to pierce deep into my flesh. Sinking further into my body my skin burns as the blade easily penetrates the soft barrier and slowly tears into my heart. I can feel my heart beat through the glass as it begins to race and I feel my blood steadily pumping out of me. I try to keep my voice low but the pain is too much and I can hear myself screaming through it all.

"Please! Please don't leave me here!" I scream with my last defeated breath as the last of my energy drains from my body and I collapse into the flowers. I can still feel my heart beating against the glass lodged deep within it as it slows severely and the darkness closes in around me with incredible speed.

_Please... don't let me die for nothing..._

The faint beating slowly faded until I could no longer feel even the slightest movement; my lungs refused use and the world became black around me. The only thing that would not fade from my dying senses was the divine fragrance of the lilies the lay under me; even as the world was black and my conscious was lost I could still somehow smell the flowers.

* * *

**Enjoy...**


	11. To Hell and Back

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunately neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 11: To hell and Back **

* * *

Numb, the pain I felt had faded and left me alone and confused, reality slipped away along with my memories that had begun to die.

I felt almost nothing now only calming warmth was able to reach me in this place. Not the heat that would scorch me as I took my place in hell but the comforting warmth one feels when they embrace the ones they love. When the one you love has been gone for so long and you finally get to be in their arms again; the warmth and safety you feel being held so closely will reassure you that everything is alright, that is the warmth that consumed me.

My senses disappeared along with my life and I was left unseeing, unhearing, never to feel anything again but this warmth and even without those I know there is something wrong.

This is not the afterlife I need, the eternity I must have to make things right; I have to see her even if I can only look up at her from my place in the flames below; I can't stay here in this place, if I do nothing can change.

_There has to be more... I have to see her..._

A silent plea I begged to be heard as I wait in the warmth unchanging until a single drop touches me softly.

Within a moment I feel the cool liquid dripping again and again into my palm. With every drop that touches my under sensitive skin I can feel my senses becoming slightly clearer.

The darkness begins to fade and in its absence the soft glow of green and white push their way into my vision.

Lilies, the flowers I had grown so accustomed to spread out around me.

Among the pale radiance there stood a figure clothed in pink. I knew it was her, the woman I desired so much to see, the one I had done all of this for. I wanted to embrace her, to hold her close and never let go. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that I wanted to spend all eternity making her happy.

I wanted all of these things but my lips stayed silent and my body lay still, unable to move.

I see her smile, so faint and unlike what it always was.

There was something so hurt and broken about this girl, so much sadness filled her eyes that I had wonder if this was the same person I had known and spent so much on trying to find. She sat beside me staring as tears slowly streamed from her emerald eyes, eyes that spoke of sadness and fear as they projected what lay in the depths of her heart.

_Her eyes... There is something different about them from the last time..._

"Cloud... I'm so sorry..." her quiet voice was the only sound as it echoed throughout my mind.

_Why are you sorry? Everything is my fault; I'm the one who has done wrong not you..._

I wanted so desperately to speak to her, to apologize for everything I have done, and to beg for forgiveness but my lips still refused to move.

"I should have protected you from him, but I couldn't, he was too strong. Please forgive me Cloud."

Her tears fell as her words dug deep into my heart,

_Don't cry, please... Don't be sad, it hurts too much..._

The sight of her sadness hurt me so much that I felt like I might breakdown at any moment as well.

I wanted to hold closely and tell her things would be okay, I wanted to wipe away her tears so I could see her beautiful eyes, but my body wouldn't budge.

Still, I lay listening to her confessions unsure of her words. There is something so different, her actions, her words; they are familiar but lost.

In my mind all I can remember is the malice and anger, the hatred she held for me when I had failed.

So why now, is she crying? I am here, and I'm finally with her; if this is what she wanted - what she demanded of me - then why is she crying?

"Aeris..." quietly my voice finally manages to push through and she seems almost afraid, scared of what I might say. Her emerald eyes were soft, sadness had taken everything else from her and left here by my side confession to something she thinks she did but I don't understand what she has done.

"Please... Don't cry" she looks deep into my eyes, staring, unbelieving my words.

"But, it's all my fault. I couldn't protect you from him, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even help you, and now you're here because of me." Her eyes seemed to lower with every word until she could no longer look at me. I don't understand what she is talking about when she says "him," what happened that I don't remember?

_I am here for you because that is what I chose_

"I came here for you, to make you happy. You told me before that that is what you wanted..." I plead to her hoping that what was left of my memories wasn't deceiving me. Thing's weren't making sense anymore, but I can't remember if the ever did in the first place.

"Cloud... you can't stay here. I'm sorry, please forgive me. You have to go back to the people who need you..." Something about her was bothering me, not bothering so much as standing out. Her eyes, they were different from the last time I saw her; I'm sure they changed, but I know people can't simply change the colour of their eyes.

"What happened to your eyes?" I interrupted her before she could say anything more and she simply stared at me, almost as if she didn't know what to say.

"What do you mean? My eyes have always been this way..." She looked at me suspiciously, like there was something wrong with me although there probably was.

"They are different. Last time I saw you... they weren't that colour." Something in my mind clicked, I felt as though I finally knew the answer but something was holding the knowledge from me. I could feel tears building up in my eyes but I still couldn't understand what was happening.

"Cloud, I told you... It wasn't me it... it was" She was crying harder now, stuttering as she tried to speak. My mind was racing, I couldn't think, things weren't making sense but I couldn't remember anything.

I couldn't try to piece things together from fragmented memories because even those were gone. I was losing myself inside my mind, I wanted to scream, to fight everything away and hide.

Something inside me was gnawing away at what little I had left, I couldn't bear the thought of going through everything I did for her to find out she didn't even want me.

Were could I go now, she didn't want me I can't go back, I can't even remember were back is anymore; what am I supposed to do now? I don't have the answers, nor do I know how to find them, all I have now is the mess that is my mind, or what it once was.

Aeris still sat beside me trying desperately not to tell me what was happening while refusing to look at me.

"Who?" I demanded. I looked at her with my own tear filled eyes; I wanted some kind of an answer I needed something. Anything would do, but she just sat there not willing to tell me.

Without warning things began fading away, darkness plagued my vision and everything a felt and though were becoming distant.

"Please forgive me..." were the last words I heard before the darkness sunk into my mind and dragged me away. Everything became lost to me, the need for memories, tears, and even the desire for answers I so desperately wanted; they were replaced by the darkness.

"We're friends, right?" A voice suddenly broke through the obscurity, someone so familiar yet so distant.

"Yeah" I said, something inside me told me this was something I could trust, that the voice belonged to someone who would never lead me in the wrong path, never hurt me, someone who I could give my life to and they would never abuse it.

"Then listen to me. You have to go back; you have to live for the people that need you. You need to be happy, even though it will be hard. Everything will be alright just don't forget that we are here for you and don't give up, okay Spikey?"

Something about him made me happy just hearing his voice; it has been so long since I heard it and even though everything else is gone, he is the only thing I could never forget.

I don't want to go back, I don't think I can anymore, but I trust him, I have to at least try, not for myself or anyone else, only for him, the one who gave his life for mine. I owe him at least that much...

As my consciousness begins to slip away I smile - only slightly - so small that even I don't know for sure that I am smiling.

"Thank you Zack..." Is all I can say before my consciousness is gone completely and soon the darkness becomes faint.

I can hear something in the distance, screaming, of pain and agony and it only when my body becomes engulfed in excruciating pain that seems to pierce through my entire being that I realize the screams are my own.

* * *

Sorry for the shitty chapter and ridiculously long wait. 


	12. The Shattered Protector

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunately neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 12: The Shattered Protector**

* * *

Pain, excruciating and unbearable by far; it tore through my body without hesitation like fire lit in a path of oil. Running throughout my body, unstoppable, from head to toe it ripped apart my nerves leaving only anguish in its wake. 

Never before had I felt such destruction within my body, although the physical annihilation of my being was relentless never ending havoc, it had yet to even be half of the destruction that was brought upon my mind on a daily basis.

Screaming through thick layers of blood coating my throat, I couldn't hold myself under control; the pain was just too much. Tears streaming continuously down my skin provided the only warmth that I could feel now.

I was not used to dealing with the outside workings of myself; I could control myself with the utmost precision while my mind fell apart and I ripped myself to pieces while slowly dying amidst the chaos within my thoughts but rarely could I keep myself under control when it came to physical pain.

One would think though everything I have endured in my life that physical pain would be nothing to me but the opposite would be true, pain was something that could easily consume me.

Thick bubbles of the thick liquid choke me and I can feel myself gagging, coughing viciously, the burning in my throat becomes more intense.

I want to move, even if only the turn my head so that I might not suffocate on my own blood but my body protests violently sending powerful waves of pain throughout my body.

I can't breathe, choking; my lungs are so tired from screaming that I can barely force a breath to them.

Reality is fading, the lack of oxygen is taking its effect, as I try to fight the impending threat to my consciousness I faintly hear taping in the distance.

_Please help me... If you won't save me then kill me it doesn't matter. Just please, make the pain go away..._

The tapping is getting closer, fast, it sounds like footsteps. Someone is running towards me but the sound is becoming faint.

I stop choking, not because I can breathe but because my body is too exhausted to try. So there I lay, unsure of where I am or even if am laying down, I could be standing for all I know, I can't feel any part of my body.

Suddenly the sound stops, _Am I dead?_ I wonder. I can't tell for sure, I can't tell if I was even alive to begin with, all I can do right now is wait, to stay bearing this pain, this devastation coursing through myself until death or salvation; but that's how it has always been, isn't it?

"Cloud!" A voice, panicked, full of fear and despair fills my mind.

"Cloud, are you okay? Cloud, answer me!" she screams and I can tell she is horrified beyond all doubt she is terrified. I can feel something against my cheek, so faint, I can't tell for sure. My head moves and in a moment my pain is amplified before the blood in my throat begins to move, pushing its way up I choke again with what little energy I have left.

"Cloud! Cloud, can you hear me?" She sounds so worried, so hurt, like everything she has in the world is about to be destroyed; I can't really be that important to her can I?

As the majority of the thick liquid is pushed out of my lungs I try to gasp for air, although only shallow breaths hardly worth the energy use are drawn.

Although reality stopped fading for the time being it remained diluted my energy had run out, barely breathing, I knew I couldn't last long like this. The pain still mercilessly attacking me, if not for the lack of strength that my body currently held I'm sure that I would still by screaming, but for now the tears keep falling steadily letting her know that I am still alive.

"Cloud please hold on..." I could tell she was crying now, the tone in her voice was so sad it reminded me of Aeris, I really need to stop hurting people so much.

Why is it that no matter what I do, every where I go, I manage to hurt everyone around me? The only thing I ever wanted was for her to be happy, Tifa, the first and only woman I ever truly loved. I lost sight of that somehow, and now I hurt her so much yet she still came to save me just like always.

Why is that so long ago I promised that I would always save her yet it seems that I'm the one being constantly saved? She doesn't deserve this she deserves better, she shouldn't be saving me so much, it's my turn to save her. I have to save her from everything I cause her, all the pain I bring her, the sadness I cause her; she doesn't deserve it.

I try to speak, I know it will fail but I still have to try she needs to know that she doesn't need to save me this time. The pain just gets stronger and my voice is lost from the continuous screaming but I still try.

"...Tifa..." I barely manage to whisper hoping she can hear me, it is worth all the pain in the world no matter how unbearable to save her from everything I will cause her; things have to end here, I can't hurt her again.

"Shhh, Cloud. Don't talk... you'll just... hurt... yourself more." she tries to sound demanding but fails as her sobs break apart her words and she sounds as though she might break down any moment.

"...Please... let me..." Between short breaths I barely manage to mumble a few select words.

"What is it Cloud?" She asks quietly almost as though she can't bear to hear my voice, but at the same time she needs to hear it.

"...Let me... die..." I know that what I said will make her cry; I know it will hurt her and make her sad, but I have to protect her from everything I will cause her down the road. I have to protect her from a life of sadness that will definitely come if I'm here.

"Cloud, what are you saying!?" She screams at me and although there is anger in her voice it is more than heavily coated with sadness. I know she's hurt, and I know she's mad but I have to protect her to matter what, even thought it will cost me my life, and even though it is against both Zack's and Aeris' wishes.

"I... have to... protect you..." I admitted defeat in what I said, if it meant to protect the last person I cared for then I would forfeit life; I would surrender happily to know she can live in peace.

A long time ago my life lost meaning, everything was destroyed when Zack was killed and although meeting Tifa again brought back hope I never held dedication to my own life. I always wanted to make her happy, I lived my life for her, I surrendered it solely to her to have and to hold, or to take and destroy.

When I met Aeris, of course I loved her but it wasn't the same, I felt protective over her I wanted to make sure she was safe and then I fail and that was the day I knew to matter what I couldn't protect anyone.

Now was my only chance, the only one I had left to protect anything, and everything a cared for. I had to take my chance no matter what, I had to make sure that I couldn't hurt Tifa anymore... I can't...

Without warning the harshness of reality smashed down on me along with Tifa's hand as she slapped me square in the face and within a second reality along with my remaining consciousness was taken away yet again...

* * *

Two in one day O.o 'Tis special stuff right here... Enjoy. 


	13. To Admit Defeat

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunately neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 13: To Admit Defeat**

* * *

Reality had never been something of value to me; in the world were I was never good enough. In the world where the one known as "Cloud Strife" wasn't actually known at all; instead I simply existed as a mere shell always hiding within someone else's persona.

I always hide behind a false mask, one which I spent my entire life creating so that maybe one day I didn't have to be me. I thought one day I could be something worth acknowledgement, some one worth looking at; I wanted someone to know me. I needed someone to know who I really was, deep down behind this self forged mask but I knew there was no way that I could allow myself to hurt someone so much by showing them the "real" me. I didn't even know if there was a "real" me any more, or even if there ever had been; I suppose my mask worked so well that I even managed to fool myself.

They only thing I knew for certain was the monster that I had always been; I could feel it tugging at my mind constantly, it was the only pain I could never forget.

Something so evil, so crazed with hatred that it seeped through my entirety; it over exhausted my sanity more than once pulling me into the depths of the darkness. Now it that very darkness, I lay wondering how it is that I can remember such things, things that had always stayed dormant in their place at the back of my mind yet everything else was fogged in the vision of my mind.

_Tifa..._ I knew that name, the woman I gave my life to; I so desperately wanted to be accepted by her, maybe to be loved, but I always knew she couldn't love a monster such as myself.

That was the beginning of my cruel game of hide and seek begin, I tucked myself deep down and never to be found; and all too soon the game became one sided when I gave up the seek and lived the game - my life - simply hiding; hiding to protect her.

It's true that my mind slipped on more than one occasion allowing my true self to float up from the pit of my mind, but each time, with more anger and determination I beat the worthless part of me back down into its corner.

After so long that beaten and battered self began to die, even now I can feel it decaying inside of me, he cries for freedom and I rip out his tongue; he pulls himself out of his dark hole and I cut his hands off. It has always been that way; I suppose I am running, from myself, from the truth I could never accept.

I always knew there wasn't something right about who I was and that's why I now see the dismantled from of my true self laying torn to pieces.

So afraid of myself that I couldn't bear allowing that part of me too live, although it's too bad that even I never knew who I really was, it may have helped to know what I was fighting against. After so long hatred built up against me, hatred directed towards me from me. It was becoming so strong that even the crumpled form, destroyed and barely moving began to push back.

Things were still unclear in my mind, I could only tell what I felt, I couldn't remember but something was begging me not to forget. So I hung on to what I knew, begging for power, for luck, for anything that would allow me to remember what caused things to end up this way...

"Cloud..." softly spoken, sad and alone; the voice became known to me in this place that I couldn't name.

"...Please wake up" I recognized the voice, remembering my history piece by piece, a sliver at a time. It started with the name, _Tifa_ I thought before a doorway in my memory seemed to open and things began to flood into my mind. Her soft voice always strong and compassionate matched itself in my mind along with the sight of a memory.

_Starry skies. The end of the world... But it's all okay because I am here in the arms of the woman I love. Her head on my shoulder and my arm wrapped over hers. She looks... happy. Surely this can't be because of me, this monster... I could only ever hurt her, all I could ever do was hurt. Hurt her, hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me; after all it is what I was made to do, but even so I can't help smiling myself... She looks so beautiful._

Something is tugging, pulling anxiously at my thoughts holding me in its grasp with an iron fist. I want to fight it but somehow my strength has left me and now I am defenseless, hopeless as my mind is forced clear and I know there's no winning.

"Wake up!"

My body burns violently, panting, gasping for air in a semi-conscious state as something begins to manifest itself in the forgotten regions of my mind.

Something is building, this feeling, fear, hatred, and anxiety all push beyond the extreme making it harder to breathe.

My eyes burn, my throat is dry, I want the scream but it is too painful. I can't push down the pain, the anxiety just keeps growing; I feel like I'm being attacked from the inside, unable to run pinned into a corner and stripped of my strength.

Faintly I feel something against my arm and within an instant the pain grew ten fold; stabbing at my mind and body. I wanted to scream in protest, to run away as fast as I could from the touch, but the pain was relentless and suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe, my lungs seemed to tighten and refused to work but quickly regained their function as the touch was released.

Breathing heavier now, I couldn't control myself, my body forced away my will and acted alone as everything suddenly stopped and my eyes flung open blinding me in the process.

_"You can't run anymore, Cloud..."_ the words immediately brought fresh tears to my eyes, burning my mind before they took their torturous decent bringing back all the pain and frustration along with the anxiety still fresh in my mind.

I scrambled in my place trying to move, something in my mind just screamed _run_ to me and if not for the weakened state of my body I would have obeyed without hesitation, but here I sat panicking, terrified, flailing about almost as if to bat away an invisible terror.

Moments past and it became worse, crying furiously, silently begging for redemption from this unknown horror; I dug my fingers into my head willing away the pounding, while throwing my head about trying to shake away the frightening voice.

_"You can't escape..."_ ruthlessly it spoke, the voice grating against every bit of sanity I had left.

The pain became so powerful and overwhelming that I couldn't hold back the sobs that began building in my throat. It was then that I felt strong arms around me holding my excessively shivering body close to theirs.

Somehow I knew it was her, every time something happened she was always there, even though so long ago I had pledged to be her savior.

I knew she had come help me, and right now I really needed to be saved. From this voice in my head, the one who I am, I need to be saved from the world, both inside and out. I'll never survive it alone so please,

_Please, Tifa..._

"Please save me."

* * *

I hope it is to your liking, and that I don't ramble like a retard... 


	14. Inner Demon

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunately neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

Chapter 14: Inner Demon_  
_

* * *

_"I'll always be here, just like I always have..."_

_Shut up, shut up, shut up!_ I mentally scream at the voice in my mind frantically, _Why, why won't you leave me alone?_

"Cloud..."

_"only now..."_

"Stop!" I beg although this time not only the inhabitants of my mind hear me.

Tifa was still holding me tightly, she refused to let me go and although this was the last thing I wanted it felt as though it was what I needed most.

The thought of staying here and holding her back from her well due happiness hurt but I know that if she lets go of me, if her hold on me falters even slightly that I will fall apart. I know it's selfish, and I know it will only hurt her in the end but right now the only thing I truly and wholly feel is the fear, this terrifying notion that my very mind is being devoured - eaten away - by this creature inside me.

_"It's your turn to hide..."_

"Cloud."

Something was moving inside my mind, growing, feeding off my thoughts and preparing to attack.

The feeling that had told me to run had now broken down, begging me to escape foretelling of an enemy that I could never hold back.

Pain, sharp in the back of my head like millions of pins being pushed deep into my skull and I was powerless to stop them.

I sat in embrace although slowly keeling over pushing into the shoulders of my savior; my hands lay firmly on my head pushing so hard I felt and though I might crush my own skull. The pain wouldn't stop, between the taunting voice who laughed ruthlessly at my existence and the overwhelming surge of emotions through me it was too much for me to handle.

Tears poured down my cheeks following the same damp path that had be laid by earlier streams and shut my eyes tightly in an effort to stop the flow.

"Cloud!" Her voice hit my mind like a brick wall, my thoughts slammed to a halt leaving me lost.

One thing however that refused to stop was the insistently growing force that easily struck terror into my frail mentality; stronger by the second, it relentlessly gnawed through my mind destroying everything in it's path.

_No, no, no, no, no, I can't loose again... I can't handle it... I can't loose myself again..._

"I can't... let him win... I can't loose again, but... but I can't fight it anymore..." I admit, tears still fell freely dripping from my skin to hers and she shudders slightly as they fall gently onto her shoulder.

"Cloud... what is happening?" she's trying so hard to keep herself together but her voice always betrays her.

"He's... going to win... I can't... I'm not strong enough..." She holds me tighter, so much that it hurts but I don't move, I have no where to run and I can't let myself hide. To hide would mean to give in and I can't, no matter how hopeless a fight, I can't let him free.

For Tifa's sake a have to fight, I can't hurt her again; I have to keep myself in control even if only as seen by her.

_"You are weak, a pathetic fool,"_ He laughs, _"Step down, give me control and maybe I won't kill you."_

His threats were pointless, to use my life against me would get him no where; for someone who had inhabited my thoughts for so long he lacked the knowledge of what was important to me.

_Never..._

_"But how will you protect this woman if you don't exist?"_

Or not, apparently I was wrong he knew where to hit me and how to make it hurt, but I can't give in.

How can I be sure that I will be able to do anything even if he does spare me?

There are too many thoughts running through my mind, yelling, each one of them tries to be heard more than the previous.

"Cloud, hold on... Don't give up, I am here for you. You have fought Sephiroth off before so many times; don't let this be any different." She tries desperately to comfort me but she wasn't right, and this wasn't the same.

"Sephiroth?"

The name held in my mind through the chaos and all I could see was fire, blood, a town ripped to shreds. I remember now, Sephiroth, someone I had always struggled against; I fought him to death and back.

_No, that isn't right... It isn't him, this isn't Sephiroth..._

He conquered my mind, controlling me on more than one occasion but in the end I destroyed him, didn't I? He laughs, mocking my uncertainty.

"No... It's not him... it's not Sephiroth." I speak through a throat dry from crying, and even though my eyes were closed the tears still fell full force.

This definitely was not Sephiroth's work, something was different, something was wrong and I knew that this creature; this monster inside of me was much stronger than _him_.

"Cloud, what do you mean?" her voice was full of fear rather than disbelief as my words.

"_Fool, she can't save you."_ he mocked with a cold and vindictive tone.

Still hunched over, tears flowing, I sat with a death grip on my head; throbbing with pain, both physical and mental destruction held me in place.

_Leave me alone!_ I demanded against the voice of hatred within my mind. Its force was over whelming but still I held my stance against the internal demon, fighting as best I could with my exhausted mind and body.

"Cloud, look at me." She asks softly, so quietly that had I not been so close I wouldn't have been able to hear. I can't move - I can't allow myself to move - out of fear for what will happen when the only thing holding my up is taken away; through all the pain and exhaustion that was passing through my I knew that I could never hold myself up in this condition.

"I... can't" I admit, I can't let go or I will fall; my mentality will collapse within a moment I just know it.

I lose myself in thought with the possibilities I am faced with; no matter if I fight against this force in my head, unless I can win I risk both Tifa's and my own life; I don't know what will happen, I don't know what he wants and I can't even be sure of his words when he says he will spare me.

I'm not strong enough to fight him, I can't win but right now I have to do whatever possible to make sure I don't lose; and right now I need Tifa's strength to hold me up.

"Cloud!" She speaks loudly, "Please look at me," more demanding although not angry as she only seems to raise her voice to snap me out of thought.

She moves and I can already feel the uneasiness and fear building on top of already apparent emotions.

She pulls her arm out of the embrace towards herself and suddenly the anxiety of losing my support takes over and my hands take the dangerous chance of letting go of my head to pull myself closer. I wrap my arms around her slim body as tightly as I can but I can tell that my lack of strength leaves me just barely managing to hold on.

I can feel her place her hands firmly on my shoulders and she pulls me away with ease still holding me but at such a distance with so little contact that it does next to nothing to protect me.

"Please don't." I beg her, I can't bear this for long, the strength of my mind began fading with each second of the almost hostile gesture and I was powerless to stop it.

I can't look at her, I don't want to know how much I am hurting her; I am afraid, afraid of the truth, of everything I have done to cause her pain.

"It's alright Cloud, open your eyes..." Her voice was so quiet; her tone somehow had become so warm and almost comforting that I didn't want to disobey her anymore.

Slowly I opened my eyes to the world and for the first time in so long that I could remember I found a small bit of refuge against the chaos of my mind.

There was something about the look in her soft amber eyes made me feel safe; the look of hope maybe, something in her eyes just looked so welcoming and warm that it seemed to melt away my anxiety and fears.

Soon the hopelessness I felt faded, and the tears subsided; voice began to quiet and although both my body and mind severely lacked strength I knew I could rely on hers to keep me up

"See, it's alright Cloud. Don't worry, everything will be fine..." Somehow at the moment I believe her, as I sit here staring into the eyes of my savior my mind is wiped clean and I can tell that there may be hope for this damaged mind.

* * *

More awkward goodness... 


	15. Memories Requiem

**Just want everyone to know that unfortunately neither Cloud or any other wonderful charatcers from Final Fantasy VII belong to me no matter much I wish they did.**

**Chapter 15: Memories Requiem **

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"Cloud?" A sweet voice filled my mind and pushed me closer to consciousness. From the darkness it came, to lead me by its light into the arms of its owner.

The last thing I could remember was the look in Tifa's eyes as her "hero" broke down in her arms.

How pathetic she must think I am, clutching to myself begging for freedom from a force only in my mind. I don't think I have ever cried like that in front of her before and guess that's what must have scared her, but even still she sat there and held me up when I couldn't hold myself.

I, the man who saved the planet after destroying the strongest being on all of Gaia. The man who had fought until death and back, yet I sat there unable to even fight off my own mind. I was a man who had been idolized for his strength by so many, so why now was I the one begging to be saved out of weakness?

There is a sharp burning in my chest; I can feel it with each breath slowly building its intensity. Although throughout my body a similar pain fills me it is not the same, where that is dull, this pain is sharp. It stings almost as if someone were pushing a blade into my flesh, tearing the layers of my skin with ease.

Slowly, I place a shaky hand to my chest and in the same moment my fingers softly brush against my skin I find myself wincing heavily at the unexpected pain the contact had caused.

It was only then that I realized fully what situation I had gotten myself into, although I had yet to open my eyes to the unforgiving light I could feel the soft blanket beneath my body as well as the comforting lap I had been using as a pillow. Half naked and covered in sweat, unsure of the first but knowing the latter was probably due to a nightmare; this wasn't an ideal position for me to be in.

The memory of any dreams I may have had, nightmare or not have long since left my mind and because of that I have no idea what questions may be asked.

"Are you alright?" Tifa asks as the look on my face slowly softens. The concern in her voice, although sudden didn't seem overwhelming in any way.

I began shivering forcefully as I felt my body heat drop suddenly and I found myself reaching out to pull the blanket over me. Carefully, I opened my eyes praying for the light to be minimal as to spare my head the pain and was pleasantly surprised to notice the lights had been turned off.

Although the room lacked light of any value I could still see the look in Tifa's soft eyes. Something about the way she was looking at me made me a bit uneasy, it's not that she was looking at me weird, or that she seemed angry or even worried. There was something about the look in her eyes that I just couldn't understand; it was the hint of happiness in her eyes that had thrown me off. I can't remember the last time I saw that look in her eyes, I only remember the pain and sadness she always seemed to hold over the past year.

"I'm alright… A bit cold though." I admit, my voice shaking somewhat. In truth I wasn't sure how I was; I couldn't remember a lot.

Something was gnawing at the back of my mind and I just didn't feel right. I looked down at myself and noticed a long gash that seemed to be held together by stitches protruding from my chest.

_What the hell happened?_ I thought. How could I forget something like that, it isn't the kind of thing that generally goes unnoticed.

Things weren't making sense in my head, and they just didn't seem to add up.

There was something wrong, that much was obvious but I couldn't quiet put my finger on it.

Even though with all of this in my head, and the events I actually do remember still vivid I don't want to make Tifa worry anymore. I always seem to be causing her trouble and it's not fair to her, honestly. She works all day running the bar, sure I help but I can only do so much; on top of that she takes care of Marlene when Barret is away and I know that girl can be a handful. I don't want to cause her anymore stress although by the look of it, it seems I already have.

Even in the darkness I can tell that her eyes are red and swollen, and wrinkled by sleep deprivation; this is because of me and she sits by and takes it like its nothing. Somehow I think that there is something so wrong with that, it makes me worry that one day it will just be too much and she'll end up breaking herself without so much as a word.

"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, my voice still shaking.

"Nothing's wrong…" she replied, obvious denial in her voice.

"Tif-"I began hoping to at least get her to tell me something but was interrupted by her cold hand on my head before I could actually say anything. She sat there for several moments her hand still firmly placed on my forehead before even saying anything.

"You have a fever…" she whispered quietly avoiding my gaze.

"I'm fine…" I mumbled quietly as exhaustion began to force its way back into my mind and threatened my consciousness once again.

"Come on, you can't stay like that forever Cloud. You'll make yourself worse if you just lie around cold and sweaty all day. I'll go run you a bath." She said trying so hard to smile although she couldn't hide the fact that there was something bothering her.

"Hmmm…" I said quietly, mostly to myself as she slowly moved from beneath me seemingly with great care not to move me too much. Before I had much time to react she had already set off towards the bathroom leaving me alone longing to have the warmth she provided back.

I quickly pushed myself up ignoring the pain shooting through my body only to have it hit me hard as I pushed my voice to become louder,

"Tifa, wai-" I was cut off by my own actions, as it turns out my body wasn't quiet ready to accept such effort while my energy ran low and the pain of my body seemed to constrict my lungs.

Coughing, almost violently, my body still trembling and the pain flaring with each outburst; I tried desperately to lower myself to a comfortable level while maintaining the ability to breathe at the same time. As I sat there barely held up on my elbows, the coughing subsiding slowly, my head dropped and I stared absent-mindedly at the comforter under me while trying hard not to breathe in too quickly.

Through my entire fit it seemed that I didn't hear Tifa stepping back into the room and only actually noticed her as I felt her cold, yet soft hand on my shoulder. I looked up to her still trying to compose myself and she gave me a sympathetic look while somehow holding onto small frown.

"You should have waited for me to come and help you." She said, her frown softening slightly.

"What happened to me?" I demanded pathetically knowing my tone couldn't be seen as anything forceful.

I couldn't figure out the reasoning behind what seemed to be such an extensive wound; maybe I had amnesia, who knows?

All I knew was, I didn't like not remembering things and something told me Tifa knew what had happened. The question seemed to have caught her off guard slightly as her eyes seemed to widen at the directness although to me it meant that she definitely knew something.

"Just don't worry about it for now…" She said with an almost desperate tone to her voice.

"But-" I said in disagreement. I wanted to know what was going on; never mind wanted, it was something I needed to know. I needed to know what happened so that maybe things will make sense and so that maybe I can fix some of the damage I may have caused.

"Just… for now. Please Cloud." She pleaded with a defeated look in her eyes. A look that seemed to strike some kind of chord in me and I found it impossible to argue.

"Alright…" I agreed hesitantly knowing I would get my answer with time.

Tifa helped me off the bed and to my feet while holding around my waist gently with an arm.

We walked to the bathroom in small, slow steps while I took extra precaution in the placement of each foot. Good thing there was a bathroom attached to our bedroom or I never would have made it; it already seemed like the few steps I had already taken drained me of most of my energy and I was only about half way there.

When we finally made it into the bathroom I lowered myself with as much grace as I could muster onto the side of the tub and sat there as Tifa turned on the water and let it run filling up the tub.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly not really feeling as though I had the energy to even turn my head to look at her anymore.

"What for?" She asked turning the water to a warmer setting not entirely paying attention to me.

"Apparently… I lied" I admitted as sleep began to fill my mind and I had to force myself not to slouch over. With that comment Tifa turned her focus onto me and came to kneel in front of me staring up at me with curious eyes.

"What do you mean," She asked looking at me confused at my statement. Any power I had left to hold myself up seemed to vanish and I found myself basically falling into her unable to stop myself, "Cloud?" she asked concern more than a hint in her voice.

"I'm so tired Tifa… So, exhausted" I reply pitifully unable to help the upset sound in my voice.

I was tired, so much so that I was surprised that I was still awake but there was something in my mind; that something that had been gnawing away was growing restless and it seemed that it did not want me to sleep.

"Cloud, you have to stay awake. Stay awake for just a bit longer, okay?" her hands held my shoulders pushing me up slightly as she tried to keep me from using her as a pillow, again. I tried so desperately to keep my eyes open but a felt as though the battle was already lost and it was only when the sting of something horribly cold touched my forehead did I rethink that.

My eyes shot open at the feel of the freezing cloth Tifa had pressed against my head and the sudden jolt seemed to wake me up slightly.

"That's cold!" I exclaimed, although barely. My voice at this point could not reach the level to be anything but a loud whisper.

"Then don't fall asleep and it won't happen again." Tifa declared with a quite mischievous look seemingly almost proud in the reaction she had received.

She stood carefully pushing me up against the wall beside me and made her way over to there counter rummaging through various bottles that lined the surface.

It was only when she turned around with a magnificent smirk playing on her lips did I notice the bright pink bottle she held. She poured a small amount into the running water, devious grin still obvious and the room began to fill with a bubble gum scent as a thick layer of bubbles formed on the water.

"Are you serious?" I ask hesitantly knowing that I will have to remind Marlene to keep her things out of our bathroom so moments like this never happen twice, and that I should have never let Marlene convince me to get her that stuff. I only have myself to blame for this one, although at the moment the fruity scent and relaxing heat that has filled the room seems almost inviting.

"You know you'll love it." Tifa said still looking like a child who had just played the biggest prank on their lifelong rival.

We stayed there quietly, the silence almost uncomfortable but not quite.

The sound of the water splashing in the background was all that seemed to keep my mind from slipping into unconsciousness until the tap was shut off with a loud squeak which seemed to wake me up all the more.

"…Tifa?" I offered after the continued silence.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry for anything I did, and I'm sorry that I don't remember." I admitted mostly out of shame.

It seemed as though history was repeating itself and although she is smiling and seems to be unaffected by anything that may have occurred I know that like always she's good at hiding those kinds of things. I really was tired of hurting her even if I couldn't remember what I did, the result is still there both as a painful reminder dug deep into my flesh and the truth that she really does care about me, one day I'm going to have to face that.

"Cloud," She says, dropping her carefree and almost whimsical façade replacing it with something akin to the solemn mask she had always worn during the past, "Sometimes… You know, it's best to forget. Let yourself forget and live on without that demon haunting you."

There was something about her words that made my heart sink, what she said hit me hard because it meant something was definitely not okay.

After everything we've been through she had always told me that I shouldn't let things bother me but never once had she suggested I forget something. It was her belief that it was what you went through in life that made you stronger and because of that she had always told me that I had to hold onto those memories not matter how painful they were.

So why is it now that she wants me to forget? What did I do that hurt her this much? I have to find out one way or another what happened, I have to find a way to fix things. I want to ask her but I'm actually afraid of what she'll say. I hurt her, really bad; I can tell that much and it terrifies me to think of what I may have done.

"Maybe you're right,"

As for right now unfortunately, I will have to wait to find my answers. If not for my sake then for Tifa's, at the moment I think I should work at making things better before I make them worse. So just this once I'll let it go for a little while, I won't forget, nor will I allow it to slip my mind for even a moment but I won't push.

"…Thank you."

Just this once, for her, I will wait for the answers.

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**Kinda an out of place chapter in such a dramatic story, sorry about the pink bottle of bubble bath it was... fan service.**


	16. Author's Note

Just a note to the readers, yes it has been a year since I updated and I am very sorry. Rest assured knowing that there will be more to this story and as it is currently I am redoing the chapters already up. I am not replacing them just adding and correcting my past mistakes.

Thank you for your time.

Miss Murderess

P.S I am planning to start the reposting within the next couple of weeks, so please check back and hopefully I will have it up. Thanks again.


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